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Friday, November 10, 2006

Have You Heard of the Enrichment of Privileged Undertakers?

EPU could be the brand name of another magical snake oil that can cure all ailments.

This could be marketed in two formulae:

• Standard EPU18.9% at RM30 per 100ml bottle or

• Premium EPU36.8% at RM45 per 150ml bottle.

Consumer: What’s that? The unit ml price is exactly the same. We pay 50% more and get 50% more product.

Marketing company (MC): But that’s our marketing strategy. Most people will not bother to question us and will just buy whichever product they prefer. In both cases we still sell our products.

Consumer: What exactly does EPU stand for?

MC: Not exactly sure. Let me get back to you.

One month later.

MC: We are pleased to inform our clients that EPU stands for Enrichment of Privileged Undertakers.

Consumer body investigator (CB): That is a strange name. How did the word “undertaker” get included?

MC: We cannot reveal all our company secrets but many people believed our products so much they decided to use it for every ailment despite our warning.

CB: What is that?

MC: We warned people that is product has a lifespan of 25 years but some people want to use it much longer and now we are making a formula that will last 50 years.

CB: Were there any fatalities?

MC: No one has actually died from any EPU ingestion but according to the latest WHO report, many Malaysians are addicted to our EPU products.

CB: What does WHO stand for? Is it the World Health Organisation?

MC: No, that’s not right. It is the Wealthy Humans Oligarchy.

CB: We did a survey on the population and 98.9% of the survey thought WHO stood for the prestigious world body.

MC: That’s what we know too.

CB: Don’t you think EPU shares will plunge if we publish all our findings?

MC: Most people are gullible and still believe us after all these years. But be warned that if you reveal too much about our methods we know how to fix the problem.

CB: What do you mean?

MC: Well we had someone disappear when she came from a remote country and started to pry into how we were able to fool so many people all these years.
That is why we are known as EPU. We are privileged to send you to the undertaker if you become a threat to our operations.

CB: Holy cow – no shit!

MC: I have to end our interview. These two gentlemen will escort you out.

CB: What are you doing? Put that away!!. NO, NO. ARRGHH!

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